Time has frozen. But time shifted slowly and surely. And when looking back from today. it has been nearly four months. There are some changes here and there. But there are also no changes.

I shall try to write again, hopefully.

I was again on trip, this time by plane of an hour time. I did not know why someone always wants to go for trip. The feeling has long been gone. It could not be felt again. Unhappy was always unhappy. Remember just before I left, she asked me I should use the occasion to think about. I would tell her that I would leave her for good. I told her that I would not change. The hotel had wi-fi. I wrote her short, yes, they had to be short, emails every night. And now I am back in town.

She asked me to tell her who she was. I said that the answer was not so simple. I never answered her. I now wished to ask myself who I was.

My boss is on leave and I take up her duties as well. But since we are now in between two busy seasons, there are not much additional work to do. Over the evenings after work, we had long talks over the phone. We even saw once, in a pre-arranged gathering amongst our mutual retiring friends before my short trip. During the very short time after dinner, it was late and there was little time to effort, she let me held her hands, kissed her and hugged her, briefly. I knew that she was happy, at that fleeting moment. I wrote, afterward, that seeing her, we temporary forgot our unhappiness. She wrote back, “… and then?” but why I should care.

She said, and I have no reason to disagree, rationally, that I should say goodbye, because I endured a period of unhappiness, disturbance, in the past weeks about that incident. The first step to do was to leave so further disclosure of our relationship can be avoided; since if that happens, would cause a storm much bigger and much unhappiness.

Love, is never rational, I told her. I never regret it, and know that she does not either. Quiet, but unhappy, is equally not bad.

I told her that I should not mention too many unhappy incidents at home to her. I wrote, “no matter what she is, she is not my consultant or psychologist.” The only answer that I come up with on the question “What am I?” so far. Yes, she said, she is the participant.

The storm has been subdued a bit, or we are only in the eye of the storm, waiting for its destructive force again, in a different direction. We all know that the storm will not die down, only is waiting for intensification again. Perhaps, it does not matter whether I decide to leave her. Have I told her so?

But I want a simple happy life. Readers may say I am irresponsible. But if I have promised you that I will stay (till I die, I actually said the words), on a train (Why did you ask me on a crowded train?). Please give me some peaceful moments. Sometimes, as she said, you should pretend that everything has been settled. There have been more talking, more activities and, of everything. Could you not ask me for more?

The easy way, she told me, is giving her up. It is not that simple. The current way of life, the strength in it, is all hanging onto the existing of her. It will all be gone at the day she leaves.

Tomorrow and the day after are to be a critical point to me. Someone may hold the key evidence and she will meet you tomorrow. If that is the case, it may be as good because everything will be settled once and all. Good luck to all of you.

I know that I have to protect her. So the story I told could never be completed. Yes, there was always a “question mark”. A very big one. I talked about the reasons, why I preferred talking about my grieveance, unhappiness with someone else. Those were true, long in my mind. As I commented, “you should aware.” But I did not say, “it was too late.” Would there be changes? Yes. My part will change. I have no other ways in order to protect my love one. I reinstated that there was no need to locate who she was. I have to keep her happy by all possible means. Regarding her part, despite she also said that she would, I do not foresee and have not seen any change. Anyway, it is me that I owe her, I have nothing to say.

For my love one, I have told her that I knew she would leave me. She will leave, in order to protect me. It is painful but I have nothing to insist as I have nothing to offer anymore. We still have communications. She supports me, care for me, always afraid that thing may go wrong. She cries, I know but she always says that she is not unhappy.

I am always a loser.

The only thing I firmly said was that she should not, and need not to find out exactly who she was, though her identity could easily be pinpointed.

After I returned, I wrote the whole incident to her. She had the rights to know, and in case, got ready to react to whatever might happen.

I will stop here. I should return to the blog when I think more about it, after considering what are happening. It will not be long. If I have time, my next passage will be posted on Sunday.

“I would give all I had to see your face once more time.” So, when will I see you again? All I want to know is why that accurate I can forecast my fate this time.

There were happy chatting and laughers all night long. She sat beside me and we held hands occasionally, underneath the table. When will the others know our relationship? Do they see that our actions, our responses towards each other are done without many conversations. We act like that we mutually understand each other, unlike ordinary friends or colleagues.

The desserts were good. We filled our stomachs full to the brim. When we left, it was already past ten. She had to return home so we took the taxi. I knew that I should not follow her home anymore. It was too risky for her. I let her told the driver to take a detour to the mass transit station. I really did not want to go. I tried to have her facing me so that I could have a long and good look at her, but she turned away.

“I would give all I had to see your face one more time. But you did not turn your face toward me. I very much wanted to be with you but I knew I had to let you go, so I left at the station. Do you know how painful in my heart at the moment I left you.” “What is for us to see each other a little bit longer and to eye me one more time?” she asked.

I was pretty drunk and anyway, sleepy when I went home. I did not see her message till I woke up at four. It was quite strange, I did not feel any effect resulting from drinking too much. My mind was clear. I read the email and thought. I responded, “Being lovers, it is always happy to see each other a little bit longer to to eye you one more time.”

I continued to write.

“There is happiness whenever we are together.
There is pain when we part.
But there is always hope
That in the other day we meet again.
With hope, I survive.

There is joy wherever we are together.
I am always missing you when we part.
Because there is love
That we feel between us
With love, I live.“

I know that I will not survive without you. And I hope you know that.

“I cry
I smile
I think
I write
It is all for you.

My world is your world
My soul is your soul
My heart is your heart
My moment is your moment
It is all for love
It is all for you“

I cried, once again, last night. Only I did not tell you this time. Dawn arrived.

The weather was improving. There was occasionally rain but mostly overcast with short durations of sunlight breaking through the clouds. We had lunch together. We recapped about the dinner last night. We talked about her parents-in-law family, about office and the trip I was going to take tomorrow, about her daughter.

We knew that we would not see, and talk to each other till next Wednesday. I told her I would miss her and always think about her. She asked me to forget her. I told her it would not be possible. She kept asking the question: “What is for us to see each other a little bit longer and to eye me one more time?”

She knew that I was always here to stay. I would not survive without her. I bid her farewell and hanged up the phone. I left office.

I would leave town tomorrow. So there will be nothing to publish until I return on Tuesday. What will happen in these six days? Or can I survive to return here, as the same piece, to write again? I do not know. I have no answer.

I could only say that I am going to start the journey with sulky mood, like an overcast sky.

In the small hours of today, I wrote, “Never think about what will happen afterward before I help others. I just do it in all the possible ways. If the help is effective and gets good result, and leads to my advantages, they are all side-effects. Let us say, if the result is good, then I am happy; if not, I am unhappy, but I still helped.”

She added, wonderfully, “I would add, ‘a peaceful mind’.”

Yes, she is right, absolutely. To have a peaceful mind is the best side-effect. We do not know the result of helping people. To help one, we might result in angering another. Just know that we did what ought to be done, is itself good.

i watched a Walt Disney film till three o’clock in the morning. Sometimes I think why our TV media will have such arrangement. This kind of film is for everyone and should be scheduled at more popular hours.

As the weather was bad, there was nowhere to go. I and she exchanged emails all day. She was in good mood, so we chatted and laughed. When will the good time last? We will have a dinner gathering tomorrow and if possible, I may ask her for a lunch on Tuesday and then I shall be out of town, till next Monday.

Today is a rainy day, heavy at times. Last night, she asked a question about people should not help others for promoting their status. As she did not clearly point to a specific incident or a person, the discussion could be far stretched. Incidentally, we should not consider any reward or advantage before offer our helping hands. However, we would not just help any persons. For example, we properly would not help our enemies. One might also offer more help to his girlfriend or her boy friend (or his/her targeting one) in order to give a good impression. We could not say that there is any problem. We are not saints. So long as we could generally offer our help to those in need. Then it would be all right.

I asked her what prompted her the question.

I went to the library to return some CDs that were due today. Though I could extend the loan period online, I decided to go as I would not be in town next Saturday/Sunday and there was a briefing session held by the travel agent about the coming trip in the afternoon. So anyway I had to go out amidst the rain.

About helping people, I continued in my next email, “Yes, helping people can improve one’s status, be it is in some other people’s mind, in the office, or in the society. Helping people can also improve one’s status in his/her own mind. When you helped people, you was happy. You knew that you could do it, did it and did better than others. You raised your head higher than yesterday. The main point is what causes you to help others, whether you want to improve your status. You should never think about it when you go out to help others. Is it that if the one you are going to help is an insignificant person, or an irrelevant one, or if nobody knows you would ever know you are helping, then you would not offer your help at all?”

The briefing session went uneventful. Some inexpensive snacks were served. There were also coffee and tea and, soft drinks. Unexpected was ice creams – chocolate and sesame favours. The speaker was average, ordinary, too professional. One and a half couples were there. One needed to work and did not appear. I talked little. That event, anyway, was just one of all those that I could not say no, still now.

The rain never stopped.